Girls are funny man. Not that I would put too much importance on the subject, but it has built its way into the blog and it definetly deserves some time.Past present and especially the future. Ill get to it. but Ima Let Wale Set the Scene.
There is nothing more attractive to me than an independent, driven, dreamer.
This was Definetly a long time coming and I never wanted to blog about this because like those who hate being bounded by the 140 character limit I hate being bounded by only 26. Im forever curious about its potential. I wake up every morning and maybe not initially but sometime in mirror time, I look at myself, into my own eyes, brown until black and wonder about how I live life. I guess it’s a shot to my own soul to say that im not living correctly. I could do everything correctly but you know there is that little space in your heart, if you want to divide it into four its in the corner kinda tucked away that’s not keeping up with the rhythm. Its stopping the the hearts muscular walls from fully contracting, giving me that life I will accept like the vending machine will now accept debit cards( finally).
It once did beat to its full potential, I could feel it and my sleeping ribcage was once kept awake. I wasn’t so calculative and I spoke to the stars, knowing one thing , that Jesus Christ had my back the entire time, and watched me make a fool out of myself. My friends, Teamates, Family, Interests let it take precedence of me and accepted me back with a red slap imprint on my right side almost as red as the lipstick left on the left. I can document this as retentively as if it was a couple months ago. As I tone down the base and keep setting this scene, I made sure that one thing was going to happen, that I would never wander from those three words I over said to .. to her. Those eight letters still stood, day 2 week 2 months later, Today Through God’s Word I found myself drinking the most persuasive intoxicant. I guess I had I was given the spirit to keep myself together in your presence. Years, many more scratches on my FutureSexLoveSongs, calender days that went by, and a gym regimen which started regularly by me pretending you called me a bitch, I can smile and say that we made it as friends. I am forever congenial to what I learned and will always thank you for letting me Love you. Love always shines. I know and I been through the fact that I could have turned this entire scenario around and would have gotten a few retweets, but like I didn’t have a blog, the world didn’t have a beiber and Facebook likes were not an acceptable Social currency. The fact of the matter is that I chose to stay positive and upbeat and one day I would laugh about this. That day came , but I took with it the great lesson that was spoken to me by Jesus himself. I learned an incredible lesson about myself and people around me. I learned what I now think about and reflect on every single day.
I realized that Loving another person is a Privilege in itself and It was almost enough to satisfy me. Getting it back from somebody else was also incredible, but it wasn’t necessary.
I’m not saying we should try it again, or will it ever work if we shook hands, because I want to learn more from another, and so should you. Im just happy things came out this way, and I cant help but smile over that period of my life. If you ever caught me looking into your eyes giving you reasonable assurance that I would have your back then you need to garner that. No Sweat and we don’t have to always start over as friends, its moving along.
I do need your help though, I need you to help save me from what I was the last time you had your fingers running through the back of my hard spiked hair held up by Got2B’s uncompromising hold. I could get a rush but I cant be acting the same way in case another girl has her fingers running through my soft malleable fauxhawk. I call upon those to make sure I don’t act Pussywhipped (for lack of better verbage). The girl that my friends warned me about and loved to hate is back but only help keep me where she liked me.
From that time to now, I gained a bit of weight, met some more girls who gave me a good look into the mind of your not so average female, met some males who changed my views on the subject completely. Met a mirror that showed me what exactly not to do. And I kept writing things in my daily planner that would prevent me from my worst enemy… Idle Time. I was almost ready to take on another relationship too. I just wasn’t convinced. My lifestyle didn’t allow it, and an emotional override couldn’t build itself. I was never much of a romantic, but built a friend network that would get me into many weddings. Not to say that I don’t Love everybody. But i couldn’t keep up with their free time with the demands I set onto myself. Sorry. I stand today trying to write and rewrite a set of goals pro-rated to my young self with reality in mind. I was surrounded with beautiful friends that probably will never see it like I must see it for myself. She was patient when I couldn’t make time, but couldn’t comprehend with the answers I gave to questions. She needed a Vacation, but when asked why I haven’t taken a vacation, I have 2 answers. The first being that I cant afford to take a vacation, and the second is one of rhetoric.
Why do I need to take a vacation when I am loving my life? #justsaying.
I do beg your pardon, as I might seem to be going sour, or negative, I’ll compensate later in the same blog. After a few incidents that totally reduced the Gemini cricket Life lessons, I began to chase my dream. I began to picture my self as the man who I wanted to be, and slowly but surely I saw myself standing side to side with something quite different. A wife. With characteristics I formulated. A checklist that included benchmarks that I once never cared about. Confused.
Im Confused. I cant lie, but this is just another limb I must recognize and decode as simple lust. Simple lust showed its true spunk as it was very shortlived. It took care of what I demanded though, as I had to come home late to wake up before I might have liked to. Did I ever complain, well how would you know? The Latter part of 2010, as a server I was challenged as a person. I would love to tell how how I tried to measure this, but it will end with a “Trust me on this one.” Week by week with work meetings school and the time spent in car I don’t deserve to drive, I began to realize more and more of what I would want. As I built myself, I asked myself what would she want in a Neil? And after I was done imagining questions about myself I forgot what she looked like. She was gone from me and I accepted defeat and my ribcage accepted sleep as my heartbeat grew steady.
I want to talk about the quality of life that I want for myself and why I don’t deserve it. I want it all but know full well that it shouldn’t happen. I want greatness and will always strive for it, but it’s a shame that I grew up this much and never really appreciated it. I mean I say I did and said thank you when prompted, but its like im headed to success and one day going to desribe myself positively what I now say is negative. I guess im assuming my hindsight will go bad. I just completed my first internship in a tall white building. I stood on the 8th floor of about 19. Still a great view of Disneyland and those underme. They looked so small, and that’s the problem. As I want to up in the elevator, it only makes it easier to look down on others. I continue to love life, but I can see where we were going. And I just cant have it like that. Its those small insignificant people that were my heros. Those serving you at the table with a story you wouldn’t let them tell. I need you guys with nametags because I made it a personal rule to call you by your name. And let me take a quick moment to apologize on behalf of those who dehumanized you, as I believe so strongly that we all are equal and we all deserve a chance to fight for our dreams. Sadly I see how Marketers get the most in daytime television advertizing and its not like the University of Southern California got pissed when Everest took all the good Bus Stops. I just cant go with the flow and don’t want to feel like what I have in front of me wasn’t anything besides the product of self sacrifice with retribution payed to God’s Blessings. That means that conversation about how I should be in Grad School next year will never happen and I unlike the trending topics on Twitter I have nothing to contribute to it. My Peers who join me on the elevator ride looking down I wish you the best of luck as you chase what you deserve. The pain which kept me moving in the past is thankfully here to stay. I want to Study Law, and I have so much to say about that, but for me to be anything less than independent before that day arrives will make the man in the mirror the same kid who cried on his first day of kindergarten. On top of all this there are those who have told me that they hate their lives, they hate school, and fuck this and fuck that. I never wanted to differentiate myself from that level of negativity , especially that burden of tuition rests on top of my shoulders, close to the Rent I might not have for June 1st 2011. I smile brighter than ever, in the wake of all this, the cure came in the form of moving poetry. And the first time I heard it confirmed to me that the heart has four chambers pumping blood to my lungs and letting go of that carbon dioxide that I thought was good for me.
I said I would post this on Valentines day. If I did post it when I should have it would have been a lot different, it would have been about lust. I’m not saying this isn’t the exact same thing but somebody please explain why that songs I haven’t heard in years are ascending up my lengthy play list. Without going into too much detail for a few reasons, most importantly is that we don’t really know each other. Forever Curious I heard her story of heartbreak. How she would do anything to the ring of his bell. I guess that’s really what a Girl wants to do, they are genetically predisposed to pleasing their Man. I guess he was smart in his own respects but it was clear that he was abusing doing the union a disservice.
So why after you got yours broken you seem to be the day brightener. Positive energy as you walk the earth. I guessed it was just the Raw Physical Attraction that can tend to purblind me into saying the darndest things. But I keep hearing about what you achieving, and how little was given to you to do it. It came as no surprise to me, a student who woke up and got to work by 9, would be attracted to a girl who did the same thing. I guess I liked that NE-Yo song about Miss. Independent, but sadly either it was ahead of its time, or I attributed it to girls who were convinced that their independent.
I need a girl that needs a man. She did without that figure. She got a 9 to 5 and you best believe I cant be there at 5:01. But even if I could, I think about a lot more than just trying to unbutton your 501’s. You force me to, even with what little I know about you. You have a son in the form of a Dog who equate to unlimited love distributed unequally, but it knows no bounds. I have Jett, and I think that sounds like a double date (No homo Jet).
There is just so many ifs ands or buts and questions marks to proliferate an awkward sentence structure. Can I really build an alliance? Did this girl really just invite me to study the Bible with her? Is this girl on MY level? Did I find a girl that works as hard as I do? Wow does she really pay her own rent? Take care of her dog, and still manage to out class the salsa class? Is she that much on top of the issues and use her brain? How much should I tell her about me, what I want to do, where I want to go, how much my little brothers mean to me. What about this little blogging passion? When do I fit that in? do I just tell jokes or am I ready to share my imagination. My Ex girl showed me the poetry I used to write to her including how I asked her to Prom, and I was convinced that I had the capabilities needed to form a covalent covenant. I was at one point, its like the Grinches heart which expanded. Sans Expansion My life is like the VCR rewinding that movie back and forth. I been there and back and seen different angles of the same thing. . Im asking myself if I should pull the trigger on this one, as I feel like it took years for my eyes to open as wide as they have. Should I move on something great. I found a girl who isn’t telling me the stuff that I want to hear. Instead inspiring me to demand more from myself. Should I try to impress her? Even if I was that stupid, would it work when we are dealing with the Ambitious girl? She is not Indian, but from what I know so far, my Mom would approve. Eyes wandering to look down at the Good Wood Jesus Piece and his eyes are looking toward another believer. There is a few things that are stopping all this from coming to play. My own self, more often than those responsible for her phone going off constantly. I think. Self, you have to get this right, and do the right thing. I have to accept, and be able to account for the worst things to happen to myself emotionally. And while I seem ready to ride, and I fasten my seatbelt. If we must, lets talk about sex. Nothing is more sexually appealing than the Ambitious Girl (again not Independent Woman). I might have a friend or two that will hate to see the potential of this working out. Love my friends though and I wouldn't ruin something established over something that is speculative. Its a lose-lose.
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