Planned Parenthood

I Have 2 Fathers. 

1.Father Time. An elderly man usually depicted as the Grim Reaper, holding his clock reminding me that I'm just worthless flesh in God's Kingdom. I’m in complete agreement, which I need to clean my act up.  I spend idle time trying to figure you out. I’m trying to work the clock like I can save time. But time waits for no man. As fair as that sounds, Father Time tick tocks in second place to

2. Father Mine. To the world you are a great host. Good spirits and always positive. By the standard of the Indian Resident, you’re a cipher.  Not a doctor, and thus I will not be a doctor.  Not an engineer, thus I was not a nerd in school. You became a Chef. And you exceeded every expectation put onto an insignificant chef. You were the child of an unsuccessful businessman and a homeopathic hero for a mother in the heart of Bombay. You defied many to marry a Beautiful South –Indian woman and you both came to the United States. Your agreement with Father Time brought 2 brothers and myself before you with an abundance of questions.

You were brought up Hindu. Mom went to Catholic school. You left it up to me to gather which path to take. We would all go to the temple, then we would all go to church on Sunday. I’m composed; I have hypocritically accepted Jesus Christ. I know he is looking after me with his celestial angels, but I cannot escape Father Time.  And I am humbled to say I am not migrating in the right direction, At 21 years of age there is nothing you or mom could do to influence me. It’s all coming from within as I look forward. “How much forward? Is the question I ask my self in the uncertainty’s of the A.M.   Where the thought of ruination and existence are lose precedence to my bank account and wallet which recently couldn’t challenge the weakest of rubber bands.  I can’t comment too much on the Relationship between you and God or your father He is not here but you maneuver.  As you get older I have to examine our relationship. So…

I’m moving out. This time it’s for good and all I needed from you in terms of financial leverage is to cosign on the loan.  I started to appreciate education and what it can do for my brain not the wallets of big company’s who will one day invest in me. Prestigious Universities who will disdain my honest intellectual inquiry in favor of my mediocre G.P.A. supplemented by a test that is “Standardized”. I turned up into this year to be anything but “Standard”, but then again I glance at my wallet, awkward smile, and just keep my Fucking mouth shut. You made it. I know you did it this time because I can see your seismic stress level. Your younger brother is full of mental pressure, which ultimately resulted in a heart attack with the same cigarettes in his pocket.  You are in a position to turn things around for him; Admirable and I feel as though I would need to build a similar support system for your sons. In 2007, similar to the Lakers season, I saw you literally squeeze every ounce of energy to keep the restaurant afloat, including a subsidization of my pay of an amount not tangible, just enough to keep a smile on my face. Secretly what I like about you is you were never a businessman; you were something of a philosopher when the landlord accepted the restaurant back for a piece of cheese in 2008. I was then accepting other jobs in that year to selfishly pay my rent and fraternity dues. Honest inquiry, I wondered how you kept mentally sane. When the realities of our economy presented themselves to you on a platter, how did you keep us undated? When you took a job comparable to your job in India, why did you purchase that Mercedes E320? Because you believed in yourself.  And you had definiteness of purpose. You stuck to your guns like Mr. Jobs in his Levi’s.  Keeping your mind at the same place is what kept our family in the city of Lake Forest, and the seeds you planted erected the Tomatoes you needed in 2009.  I’m moving out Dad because more than anything the independence is what keeps me in symmetry.

This last weekend was the first weekend in memory where by 12 p.m. on Friday I had no plans for Saturday.  The last 3 weekends I was not serving beautiful customers happened to be incredible times in the city of sin.  I stand here in the middle of the week a bit dumbfounded in terms of employment. My money is dangerously low as a result of getting laid off the job I detested to appreciate.  I had a Job interview yesterday and I always keep that energy up.  In fact I’m composing now just to garner that confident (imnogoingtokissass) swagger. It takes me one step closer to my goal of taking your First name out of my name on Facebook.  The name that resonates Bombay Chinese food forever I accept it for one

1.     I am still not completely financially independent to you.

2.     I am proud to be the 1^st son of a man of your character
3.     Enough Said

One day its just going to be my first and last name, it might take a rubber band test but at 21 years old I accept that I am not yet a man. As Carlo Collodi’s Pinocchio was created as a wooden puppet, I feel inanimate, although my 2 Fathers have blessed me with the ability to dream.  In my dreams anything is possible. Similar to my nephew Pinocchio I dream of becoming a real man.  I created my paradox when I identified the lust of the complacent career student.  The intensification of my realizations came when I should have expected it the most. The weekend I turned 21 years of age, I thought I was at your level on a drive to Vegas in which I vaguely remember, on a trip back not talking about how I lost a few hundred, but the pride exuded. My thoughts being a man were quickly justified by the death of my engine, brought on by the ignorance of a rash 21 year old Child. Equipped with fake earrings and one of the greatest fauxhawks I ever cut. A Birthday present from you was dubbed “ The Car I Don’t Deserve to Drive” A Birthday Present from Father Time proves that lesson to be invariably the most material present since getting cut from the basketball team. A straight slap in the face that questioned my lifestyle. A smile back from the heavens, when I looked up with the unnecessary swag and Father Time ripping my very heart and exposing it to my face.  It’s a real challenge before I EVEN THINK about declaring myself a Man. The results from that were well documented. I was humbled that you accepted me back in your house, as I couldn’t leverage a lust lifestyle with over $9000 in damages.  $9000 until this gorilla hangs dry. $9000 and then I can say I did something. $9000 and I’m in proximity of a real man conversations.  So it may not mean anything more than that amount, but I changed meanings and turn liability into asset. You looked at me and I looked around at the mirrors searching for somebody to blame. Thank you ignorance, and I am assured you will never transpire on a trip back from Vegas.  With patience I found a way to reciprocate this debt for an internship that promises me a future.

I want to take this time to thank you for completely financing the first 2 years of my Higher Education. I want to thank your creativity and the State of California for coming through for 3 semesters. You (un)like many fathers help their children by investing in them. Now I'm not getting into “a mind is a terrible thing to waste” bullshit but now that I finally (7 semesters in) see the value of the bachelor’s degree I really value it and that’s why I feel like I should pay for it somehow. I have “Obtained” employment this summer and its looking good for the spring as well (don’t jinx it). I will be making more money than anybody has believed I deserve to earn. Balancing a sheet to the tune of my education has me grossing almost double at an hourly rate that balancing a tray has ever promised me. I got pretty good at balancing the tray over the years and I want to thank you for teaching me. I met some incredible individuals while working as a server.  But allow me to cut to the chase and express to you an acknowledgement of starting at the bottom. I’m starting to feel more complete from the feet up.  I feel like I can handle it from here because I have understood what can go down at a catering, and nothing can touch it. Not a tax return or a financial audit.  I remember the many times I have witnessed Father and son come in and I serve them. It would always bug me to think to myself:

“When can my dad and I do this, just go out, order a couple beers, and talk about life.”

It’s starting to look better. And pretty soon you’ll be the one bossing the waiter around  and ill be the one taking the check. I can’t wait for that day because I always love when we get to talk about Life. Sentience. Growth. Personal Productivity. Human Relation. God. You are a philosopher and (in terms of my reiteration) I have just scratched the surface. I’m starting to think this is not the last blog I am going to write about you  One thing you were not very much involved in was my high school basketball career.

I have one regret in my life. Just one, as I write I can be completely honest with my self and usually humbled to world before me. Getting cut from the basketball team still lives to wither my soul. I am certain why it happened; the ball was in my court and I just didn’t dribble it. I didn’t have the work ethic. I had a girlfriend around that time, and did only what I needed to do to get by with basketball. No drive.  Not trying hard is what excludes me from the conversation. I didn’t get cut, but I requested it through complacent behavior. I took my position for granted. Similarly a percentage (the better off) of the human race take life for granted. A lesson was to be learned when I yearned for your attention on the sideline. Though you didn’t exist in the crowd I got the cheers from the O.P.P. (Other Peoples Parents). It was not the same. What does clapping sound like when you have one hand? What was awful in my eyes was not even being asked about it when you came home from your routine 13-hour day. What was wrong in your eyes was I was never thankful that you kept the food on the table. Good food at that. The good food on the table that was worthy to power my scrawny arms and nourish my bones.  It was my dreams for 15 long years. While we never saw eye to eye until years of maturity ratified me I can now say one thing.

“Even though you weren’t in the sidelines to see me shine during the game. My downfall set me up for life’s lessons. “

Maybe if you were there I would be able to show the coaching staff my potential. Your youngest son yearns for the same attention. I will try to give him what I can knowing you have 2 restaurants you have to earth, while there was one that kept you from my games. The knowing that you would be at my game would have changed motivation for me. You weren’t there so there are no pictures to document it. The love that wasn’t there was irreplaceable but a more mature Neil will always understand and thank you for your hard work and money that gave me the opportunity to play. Getting cut gave me exposure to my death. From now on with my endeavors, or any undertaking that I believe in, I will put forth my best effort.

“If I were to get “cut” from anything as a result of my behavior, it would probably suck my heart dry” “It would take away my matchless will to live, I probably would stop breathing”

School is easy.  It was 1/4 of a life that is becoming the challenge. Accounting is just counting and observing. Finance is not a skill, its just prediction. I will be the first “College” graduate in our family, and I feel like ill have better things to do than be there sitting in the sun to accept my diploma. I mean I had better things to do on 3 other occasions when they wanted to recognize me. It’s not a big deal to me because every time I would talk about how my day went you shut me down to nothing and claim it was about “results”. I want to acknowledge recent graduates because I feel like accepting my diploma is not the “result”. Rather options. I want the freedom to choose. I want to re-write destiny. Realistically write signatures on job offers. I hope for 4 rejects and ill choose the dotted line that best suites me. I thought that was a fair tradeoff for staying in school for another year. I admire how you left your house, left your family, left your motorcycle, with a culinary education to move to Chicago. An even better move was your move to Southern California where your children could grow under our immortal sunlight. It was your decision. Working for Airline Catering until they couldn’t promote you any farther than the “Executive Chef” I vaguely remember you spending your time off (Saturday and Sunday) turning our home Kitchen into a Catering Kitchen. You Catered out of our own house and even changed our home number to (714)- 774- CHEF. Minimal marketing and hard work and saving money let you inaugurate every Chef’s dream, opening your own restaurant.  We already discussed my attitude about my future in the restaurant vocation, and it just wouldn’t be a story for me. I couldn’t write about it. I could fall back on it, but that’s falling. I’m trying to Rise.  Shit, it might make the most financial sense too. But I don’t get pleasure from the “results” you speak off. My virtue lies within its journey. But when Father Time comes pointing at the clock, I look back again at my wallet, and I’m presented with every pressure. I am taken deep into the dark and harsh realities of a world filed with temptations beyond my wildest dreams.  I’m preparing myself for that day, more so than my wedding day.

“I don’t know dad”

I have exactly 64 dollars to my name and at least 3 weeks till I can get a job and at least 5 weeks till I can see the loan. I feel like a failure to ask you for money but you did lay me off. I’m a Hardhead but I guess I need to take off this helmet and just give you a hug. It’s not that serious with sunglasses on, but I look at the topic under a microscope. Ever since ignorance coming back from Vegas I tell myself to be a Man. From there I covet to do better than you did. Every Father would encourage his Son to better than him. Its because you love me. But when I do ask you for about 300 dollars today I hope you hold me accountable. Because were on the same side (sunglasses) but you’re my target (microscope). I’m aiming right at you. I don’t know about your other 2 sons, and their life plans but I have been a server for almost 7 years.  So with taxes, bankruptcy and other things that people hate to deal with, I’m going to be their man.  I wont mention the word “attorney” prematurely, but it’s a goal. My fan club will grow, but for me to take on the upcoming TangyTomato / Chowpatty National empire would take some goals and lofty creativity. Lets get it.

“ I accept”

The Challenge has always brought a smile upon my face. The Challenge you presented me to make money to pay my rent brought me to the world of hair design. I love it. I love it. I love it.  I was getting pretty good even referrals had referrals. I might start that back up and see how it goes. But it was a lesson learned that I got something out of the struggle.  Now I really have some options. Another Job, Masters, JD, Hair School, etcetera. I feel like a hand with a power plug figuring out with outlet on a surge protector will light up the room. I feel like a naked man with like 8 naked…ok well damn. My big break. And I know what helps me. It’s helping others and communicating with them about their issues. It’s bringing others into equilibrium. That’s my major definite purpose.

When I talk about others, believe I fancy to have a son of my own. I haven’t thought of a name, neither a mother. But I do (as a result of this post), size myself and the women I meet for that inception. While that’s another topic, I will mention this: the birth and upbringing of my child will be similar. Will I attend his basketball games?  I wouldn’t miss them for the world. I interpret that feeling all too well.  

"You try to stay even keel and not get too high or low after a win or loss. You just move on to the next one. Take care of business."

– Kobe Bryant after Game 1 of the 2010 NBA Finals.

Dad, you nearly translated to me this above quote in detail many years ago. You don’t go to the temple, but through meditation and the depths of the law of attraction you became a philosopher IMO.  Our most recent conversation before I attempted to start this post ended in your understanding of your place in this universe. I asked you “What have you learned, tell me honestly what you have learned in the last 10 years”

“I’m Fearless, if I become successful, I won’t get too excited, if I go down, its not a big deal. I don’t fear the future”

I’m as of now but that’s what I want, and looking back on the past year, half of which I was 21 years of age, I have a lot of germinating left to be germinated, a lot of learning I’m yearning. I’m afraid I wont grow to my potential. I fear I might be compared to my peers who never felt fear, who never have seen uncertainty. I hate comparing myself (good or bad) to the next boy but sadly I still do. I need to stop that useless shit so I’m turning off the TV besides Mtv. I want to read and write. Mental preparation for the prestige of a professional education in the realm of Law.  Fearless is the goal. You are the goal.

Father Mine, I know deep down though. I know it in my heart, Father Time has our numbers. I’m an 80s baby and your 53 years old. I know it in my heart because you stopped spoiling me and let me learn and teach from my mistakes. I know it in my heart that I could have been fearless on the court, I needed you to cheer. I know it in my heart, as your son, You want to see your “SonShine” so comfortable under your shadow is just wasting God’s amiable rays of light. I know it in my heart because you equipped me with something they don’t teach in schools. You say your “fearless”, but deep down, I know it in my heart that your not. I know it in my heart, deep in my heart. It was written that I would make it. Deep into the perfect temperature of the cup of Tea that warms the Heart. I Love You more than Anything, I’ll go to the drafts of struggle to keep y(our) dreams alive. 2 Fathers created me, with the ability to dream for myself. In my heart of hearts, I know deep down you still fear something.

“Don’t believe the lies/Look me in my eyes”

“Please don’t be scared of me.”